Tag: humor

  • Book Review – Wasteland Marshals: Volume One

    Wasteland Marshals: Volume One, by Gail Z. Martin & Larry N. Martin, is a collection of four related novellas: The Wasteland Marshals, Witch of the Woods, Ghost of the Past, and Shutdown Crew. The stories center around Shane Collins and Lucas Maddox, a pair of best buds who have known each other since they were kids. They’re also the last pair of US marshals still trying to do their job after the Events which left the world in ruin.

    Ghosts, demons, ancient spirits, renegade AIs, and werewolves are only some of the troublemakers that Shane and Lucas have to deal with. All the things that go bump in the night have come out of the shadows now that there are fewer humans on earth, and it’s no small feat to handle them. The two battle all sorts of bad folks and learn to embrace their unusual abilities which have become stronger since the world fell apart. (Lucas sees ghosts and Shane hears earth spirits.)

    Gail and Larry Martin have cleverly woven bits of nerdy pop culture and humor into this exciting post-apocalyptic world with two awesome kick-ass heroes. It has a nice mixture of magic and technology. I look forward to volume two.

    If you haven’t had a chance, check out these stories:

    HUMMINGBIRD

    Plagued by memories not her own, a young hummingbird struggles to decipher the visions and powers that set her apart from her fellow birds. But the road to awareness is fraught with danger that could doom her to repeat history.

    One step toward understanding.

    One stride toward survival.

    One leap toward flying free from the past.

    STAR TOUCHED

    Sometimes it’s hard to be who you are meant to be.

    Especially when your powers can get you killed.

    Eighteen-year-old Tatiana is running from her past and her star-touched powers eight years after a meteor devastates earth’s population.

    Her power to heal may be overshadowed by more destructive abilities. Fleeing the persecution of those like her, Tatiana seeks refuge in a small town she once visited. But this civil haven, in a world where society has broken down, is beginning to crumble.

    Only by harnessing the very forces that haunt her can Tatiana save her friends…and herself.

    WOLF DAWN

    A Hidden Past – A Deadly Secret

    Gifted with the ability to wolf-talk, Kara has lived with the wolves since she lost her memories eight years ago. Now at sixteen, snippets of her past send her searching for answers.

    But the warm welcome she receives in the human village hides more danger than life with the pack.

  • How to Prepare the Perfect Mate

    How to Prepare the Perfect Mate

    There’s a new kid in town and she’s getting ready for the date of her life.

    How to Prepare the Perfect Mate

    This gal is available on t-shirts and sweatshirts in a variety of colors.

    Go ahead. You know you want one.

    And they make great gifts.

    A L Kaplan’s Redbubble Shop

  • CATTLE RANCH

    Think you’re having some problems? Take a look at what’s happening on Farmer Pappi’s ranch.

     

    “Not again!” said Farmer Pappi.

    He threw his hat on the ground and spouted a few choice words. Another twelve cows, gone. That made three dozen this week. No damage to the fence. No foot prints. No car tracks. Just gone. The cattle rustlers must have airlifted the animals out of the field.

    What was left of his herd grazed nearby. If only they could talk. One of the cows pulled leaves off a bush with purple flowers, jostling a swarm of insects. Pappi muttered a few more curses as they fluttered around his head, then shooed the cow away from the plant.

    Pappi retrieved his hat as the animal ambled off. A startled moo made him jump. Pappi spun around expecting to see a bandit. The cow stood a few yards away, shaking its head. After another bellow it’s back shimmered and a pair of butterfly shaped wings sprouted. It turned and nosed the strange new appendages then began to move them. After a few tentative flaps, the cow lifted into the air and fluttered away.

    Too stunned to react, Pappi stared as it vanished over the hills. Cow’s aren’t supposed to fly. Heavy footsteps and another moo snapped him out of his stupor.

    “Oh no you don’t,” he said, shooing three more cows away from the plant.

    Pulling out his smart phone he snapped a picture and used the plant identification app. It didn’t take long to figure out the problem. Butterfly bushes were not good cow food.

  • WOLF NOTES: An Uncommon Interview – Gareth & Marty the Merchant

    081

    Welcome to WOLF NOTES, where interview questions stray from the rest of the pack. It’s nice to know the usual stuff like where an author gets their inspiration and why they write, but sometimes we need a little fun in our lives.

    Wolf: In honor of Independence Day, I’ve invited Marty the Merchant and Gareth Jenkins to Wolf notes. Both are characters in STAR TOUCHED. Tell us a little about yourselves.flag

    Marty: Not much to tell. After the Cataclysm wiped out most of the population and the country fell apart, I became a traveling salesman. I’m not into the mercenary thing like some former army folks.

    Gareth: I’d already left the army by then to open a bar in my home town. Things were rough for a while, but business has since expanded to include a store and rooms to rent.

    Wolf: You both seem to have adapted well. There is quite an age difference between the two of you, fifteen years. Did you meet in the army?”

    Marty: Yeah. I was a bit of a trouble maker. Gareth helped straiten me out and refocus into more useful activities.”

    Gareth: Marty is being too polite. He was a prank pulling pain in the butt. Even so, he always managed to do what needed to be done without complaint. A slacker he’s not.

    Marty: I’m glad someone saw more than trouble. Gareth recommended me for special forces. It was a turning point. Turns out my sneaking around skill had a bonified use.

    Gareth: We’ve helped each other through the years. Marty pulled me out of a rabbit hole after my wife, Margaret died. Don’t know what I would have done without him.

    Wolf: Sounds like you make a good team. The Cataclysm tore a lot of people apart, yet you’ve managed to stay connected. How’d you manage. I mean there are no phones or computers and the roads are a mess.

    Gareth: Marty knew where I was.

    Marty: Being a traveling salesman lets me roam the country side. One of the first places I went to was Atherton. Needed to look up my buddy.

    Wolf: About that roaming, what is it you do?

    Marty: I’m just a merchant.

    Wolf: Right, sure you are. There are a lot of things that people have had to do without since the cataclysm. What do you miss the most?

    Gareth: Tuna. I love canned tuna but after eight years in a can, even I don’t want it.

    Marty: Yuck. Canned tuna and noodles is what my mom cooked all the time. Sometimes she’d mix in canned peas or green beans for variety. I’ve had enough of that stuff for a lifetime. I miss coffee. Anytime I find a stash it’s like I hit the jackpot.

    Gareth: There used to be a coffee place on almost every corner, even Atherton had at least two. That’s saying something for a small town. Now all we have are a few old stale beans. Tea just isn’t the same.

    Wolf: At least you have those. If you could reestablish the USA, would you?

    Gareth: Absolutely, but I’d get rid of the electoral college thing. Everyone’s vote should count. And there should be limits on how much money can be spent trying to get elected.

    Marty: Term limits, definitely term limits. A government for the people by the people has no room for professional politicians. Elected officials should do their duty, then go back to their daily lives.

    Gareth: Don’t forget about education and health care. We need to see to our future leaders and care for all citizens

    Wolf: That’s a lot of changes. It’s going to be hard to do when so many are struggling to survive.

    Gareth: Never said it would be easy. Maybe the star-touched could help with some of the health issues. Put their healing abilities to good use.

    Wolf: Switching gears slightly, try to complete this sentence. You’re walking through the woods and come across….

    20170401_101611Gareth: A quiet lake teaming with fish and a small boat. I’d row out to the perfect spot, toss a line in and wait for a bite. Pure bliss with no worries.

    Marty: Sort of like that fishing trip we took after you left the military.

    Gareth: You mean the one where you said you were going to sleep late, then swam out and put a dummy on my hook? Absolutely not.

    Marty: The look on your face when you reeled that thing in was priceless.

    Gareth: You almost gave me a heart attack!

    Wolf: I’m with Gareth. You have a warped sense of humor.

    Marty: I’m not that bad.

    Wolf: Really? How would you finish that sentence?

    Marty: Can’t answer. This is a G-rated blog.

    Wolf: On that note, pick up a copy of STAR TOUCHED and have a happy and safe 4th of July. If you see any military or former military personnel, don’t forget to thank them for their service.

    Startouched front cover2

  • WOLF NOTES: An Uncommon Interview – Jesse Galena

     081

    Welcome to WOLF NOTES, where interview questions stray from the rest of the pack. It’s nice to know the usual stuff like where an author gets their inspiration and why they write, but sometimes we need a little fun in our lives.

    Wolf: Welcome to Wolf Notes, Jesse. Tell us about yourself.

    Jesse 2017 headshotJesse: In the blackness of the night, my mind slipped beyond the confines of mortal planes. Knitted within nightmares and dreams, I found a land where I did not obey rules, I made them. I found a place where the unconventional can become standard; a spectacle beyond what eyes can behold, but not more than the mind can comprehend. May the worlds beyond be as influential and entertaining to you as they are to me, and may I be a worthy guide.

    Wolf: Okay. Not the strangest bio I’ve heard. What is the meanest thing you’ve ever done to your characters?

    Jesse: Made them so depressed and lonely they turned to vigilante crime fighting to meet people and make friends.

    Wolf: I’m very familiar with depression, but I’ll leave the vigilante stuff to fictional characters. While walking in the woods you come across…

    Jesse: A beautiful scene I will no doubt take a s@#ty picture of.

    Wolf: You need to have more faith in your picture taking abilities. If you could have a super power, what would it be?

    Jesse: I would have cartoon logic apply to me. Need to hide something regardless of its size? Just put it behind my back. Want to whip around a 6 ft long sword like a rapier? That’s cool, it doesn’t have any significant weight to me. Want to fly? Just walk off something high and don’t look down. Need to get through a solid wall? Dump a bucket of paint on a wall, spend 2 seconds making it look like a doorway, and walk through it.

    Wolf: Too funny. I love that idea. What five items would you want to have in a post-cataclysmic world?

    Jesse: A genie that talks like Jeff Goldblum, the USS Defiant, the TARDIS, Jeff Goldblum, and a twenty-sided die that summons 1d20 dire weasels every time it is rolled.

    Wolf: I gather you have a thing for Jeff Goldblum. Which of your characters is your favorite?

    Jesse: The four main characters in Super Subpar: a dark comedy novel that is a mixture of well-intentioned incompetence and underwhelming superpowers.

    Wolf: What story are you working on now?

    Jesse: I’m currently querying Super Subpar, writing several fantasy short stories, and writing a fantasy adventure about a disgraced bodyguard, two charlatans, an honor-bound mercenary, and a murderer who all have to either discover who assassinated the king or die trying.

    Wolf: Sounds interesting. What do you like to do when you’re not writing?

    Jesse: Be with my partner, play tabletop RPGs, read, play board games, play video games, see standup comedy, and eat.

    Wolf: Would you like me to connect you with a successful agent who wants to represent you?

    Jesse: Very much so.

    Wolf: Just kidding. You’re on your own for that one.

    Catch up with Jesse at these links:
    Social Media Links:
    https://twitter.com/RexiconJesse
    http://RexiconJesse.wordpress.com
    https://www.facebook.com/RexiconJesse
    Facebook.com/JesseGalena
    Goodreads.com/RexiconJesse

    Don’t forget to pick up your copy of STAR TOUCHED

    Startouched front cover2

     

  • WOLF NOTES: An Uncommon Interview – D L Carter

    081Welcome to WOLF NOTES, where interview questions stray from the rest of the pack. It’s nice to know the usual stuff like where an author gets their inspiration and why they write, but sometimes we need a little fun in our lives.

    evil author laughterD.L. (Dee Leana) Carter was decanted from her incubation pod in the outback of Australia many decades ago. This terrifying event was closely followed by shrieks of “there, there it goes. Hit it with a brick!”

    These valiant attempts to correct the existence of D.L. were, unfortunately, unsuccessful and she now resides in New Jersey, US., in a box with her toys, two human beings and a variable number of cats.20170221_133020

    Wolf: That’s an interesting introduction. What is the strangest food you’ve ever eaten?

    D.L.: Deep fried Witchetty Grub
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Witchetty_grub

    Wolf: Lots of protein in grubs, especially that big boy. If you had to pick a weapon, what would it be and why?

    D.L.: Nulla Nulla
    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Waddy
    I have a scar on my upper lip from where my brother hit me when I was five.
    HE has a scar on the top of his head because… well… sometimes it amazes me that anyone survives childhood.

    Wolf: Sounds like you played with some interesting toys growing up. What is the meanest thing you’ve ever done to your characters?

    D.L.: In First Destroy All Giant Monsters I psychically bound a guy to his ex-girlfriend. It was, is, complicated and it almost resulted in his death. Nasty way to die, that.

    Wolf: You’ve just been turned into a plant. Describe yourself.

    D.L.: Blooming Idiot.
    https://www.pinterest.com/pin/134896951308997624/

    Wolf: Interesting sense of humor. Do you consider yourself a cat person, or a dog person?

    D.L.: I am the imperfect human slave of six cats at the moment. I have the greatest respect for my cats, four of which are Maine Coons, who are very intelligent companion animals and are very good at managing me.

    I dearly love the senior Maine Coon for whom I am writing a series of children/YA stories in which a cute, fluffy cat has ambitions to become The Evil Overlord.  Stay tuned.

    That being said, I love Boarder Collies. I wish I could have a few of those about because they are so intelligent and determined but my life doesn’t allow for the amount of time that breed of dog requires from their humans.

    Wolf: That’s a lot of cats! While walking in the woods you come across…

    D.L.: A snake.
    A big snake.
    No, seriously it was a f###ing big snake – 15 feet long and known to be poisonous because, you know, all snakes in Australia are seriously poisonous. A black whip snake. http://www.snakecatchers.com.au/Lesser_Black_Whip_Snake.php
    This particular snake was better than me at climbing trees.
    And eventually I had to kill it with a hand axe.
    Thank you so much for bringing the memory back. Time for chocolate.

    Wolf: I think I need some chocolate now too. If you could have a super power, what would it be?

    D.L.: IN one of my unpublished books I have a character who is a rock singer. One of her songs is “Put Your Super On” in which she acknowledges that everyone is a Super. Super doctors, nurses, police, moms, dads, teachers, etc, . In the music video she produces everyone develops a power when she plays a guitar lick but she, at the end, walks away still herself – which is an acknowledgment that this particular character is happy just being herself.

    Wolf: Cool. There is a door at the end of a dark, damp corridor. You hear rumbling. What do you do?

    D.L.: Have lunch.

    Wolf: Hope you enjoy your meal. The world is about to end. What is the first thing you do?

    D.L.: Post a Facebook Meme.

    Wolf: What five items would you want to have in a post-cataclysmic world?

    D.L.: Adam Savage
    Jamie Hyneman
    Kari
    Grant
    … not Tory. Maybe Jamie’s storage facility.

    Wolf: Interesting ‘items’ to choose. Which of your characters is your favorite?

    D.L.: Millicent North – Ridiculous – This is one well adjusted, happy, adaptable lady who is determined to do what is necessary and laughs while she does.
    Also makes everyone else laugh.
    In the reviews I have received for this book a number of reviewers say they want to have Millicent as their BFF.

    Wolf: What story are you working on now?

    D.L.: Um. That is kinda a secret but on my to do list I have book three of the changing magic series, book three of the Ridiculous Lovers series and the first book of a new regency series overarching title Uncle Burnside’s Nieces in which a retired sea captain turns matchmaker.

    Wolf: What do you like to do when you’re not writing?

    D.L.: http://www.dlcarterauthor.com/about.html – scroll to bottom of page.
    I paint, sketch, do needle felted animals, collect antique medical books, visit sci fi conventions and turn my characters into cats.20170221_133240

    Wolf: You’re really making me work with all these links.

    Thanks for stopping by. For more information on D. L., check out these links.

    www.facebook.com/pages/D-L-Carter/410572495645067
    if you want to chat – please drop by Facebook group “Reasonable Intelligent Heroines”
    www.funwithghoulsandgoblins.com
    http://funwithghoulsandgoblins.blogspot.com

  • BY THE LIGHT OF THE MOON

    20180102_184509

    “Moonlight sends a shiver into night’s brisk sky.”

    “You keep spouting poetry and I’m leaving,” said Gary.

    Mark grinned. “I’m just trying to set the mood. Got the camera ready?”
    “It’ll take pictures every ten seconds and I programed the mechanism to adjust automatically with the moon’s movement.”

    “Super,” said Mark, rubbing his hands together. “This is going to be a magical night.”

    Gary rolled his eyes, then tossed him a can of soda. “Don’t care how full the moon is or how perfectly aligned the stars are. All you’re going to get are pictures of a moon.”

    “We’ll see.”

    “Whatever.”

    After several hours of listening to the camera click, Gary’s eyes started to feel heavy. Even the ancient oak he leaned on began to feel as soft as a feather bed. He drifted off to the sound of giggles. A sharp pain in his leg woke him up. Mark stood over him, holding the camera.

    “What the hay,” he said, rubbing his leg.

    “I’ve been trying to wake you for ten minutes. We fell asleep.”

    “Surprising,” said Gary, with another eyeroll.

    “Remember when you said we would only get pictures of the moon?”

    Gary leaned back against the oak. “Did it magically turn to cheese?”

    “Funny,” said Mark. “Check this out.”

    Gary took the camera and flipped through the digital pictures. Half-way through, his jaw dropped. “Is that a.…”

    “Yup. That’s a sprite’s bare butt and its drinking your Sprite. We got mooned. Told you there were fairies in these woods.”

  • WOLF NOTES: An Uncommon Interview – Steven Brust

    081Welcome to WOLF NOTES, where interview questions stray from the rest of the pack. It’s nice to know the usual stuff like where an author gets their inspiration and why they write, but sometimes we need a little fun in our lives.

    A big wolf welcome to the ever-witty Steven Brust.

    skzb with dancers 2011 FestSteven Brust was born late in the Cenozoic Era at a place a mere 238,900 miles from the lonely, harsh desolation of the moon. From the moment of his birth, he launched a study of language, facial recognition, and tool using, while simultaneously beginning an intense regime of physical fitness.  He fell into a life of crime under the influence of Tuli, the Evil Dog of Evilness, a life which continued for many years.  At one point, aided by Captain Blondbeard the Space Pirate Kitty, he nearly succeeded in either taking over the world or destroying the universe, the record is unclear. The plot, which featured a machine (built by a mysterious parrot known only as “Doc”) that could predict the future, failed when the machine turned out to be only able to predict the plot of action movies. This led Brust to abandon his criminal activities and begin writing science fiction and fantasy novels. Only time will tell how much lower he’ll sink.

     

    Wolf: If you could be any animal in the universe, what would it be and why?
    Steven: I’ve always had a strange partiality for homo sapiens. I think because they’re a social animal with opposable thumbs.  I’ve got a weakness for opposable thumbs.

    Wolf: If you had to pick a weapon, what would it be and why?
    Steven: Rapier. Because it’s cool

    Wolf: What is the nicest thing you’ve ever done to your characters?
    Steven: I’ve gotta figure sex is on that list.

    Wolf: What is the meanest thing you’ve ever done to your characters?
    Steven: I’ve gotta figure death is on that list.

    Wolf: You’ve just been turned into a plant. Describe yourself.
    Steven: Suddenly I don’t mind all the dung that gets thrown on me.

    Wolf: Do you consider yourself a cat person, or a dog person?
    Steven: Both, and a bird person.

    Wolf: While walking in the woods you come across…
    Steven: as charming, but a bit lost.

    Wolf: There is a door at the end of a dark, damp corridor. You hear rumbling.
    What do you do?

    Steven: Wait for the end of the bass solo then kick the drums back in. Popping the “1” obvs.

    Wolf: Which of your characters is your favorite?
    Steven: Phil, from the Incrementalists.

    Wolf: Describe a meal you would be served while visiting another world.
    Steven: I don’t know, but it has onions and garlic or I’m going home.

    Social Media Links: @StevenBrust on twitter, Steven Brust on Facebook

  • Guest Interview on H. L. Burke’s Website

    Saturday is Random Interview day on H. L. Burke’s website. Go take a peak at the wacky questions she asked me and my answers. While you’re there, check out her books. She’s written some great ones.

    And don’t forget, STAR TOUCHED is available for pre-sale now.Facebook startouched banner

     

    Sign up for my newsletter so don’t miss out on announcements and giveaways.

  • “SUPPOSE” Is Now Available In Print

    “SUPPOSE” Is Now Available In Print

    Suppose

    For those eager readers who have been asking, “Suppose” is finally available in print: A collection of over sixty riveting tales, with new and expanded stories.


    Suppose: Drabbles, Flash Fiction, and Short Stories has undergone a complete rewrite, with new and expanded stories: over sixty tales of humor, horror, fantasy, sci-fi, romance, and life experiences so unbelievable that they have been disguised as fiction.

    Suppose you saw something you couldn’t explain. And then suppose it turned out to be something far stranger, or funnier, or more horrifying than you ever expected. That element of surprise, and a different way of looking at things, is what this anthology is all about. Most of the short stories take less than fifteen minutes to read, and the ultra-short drabbles take less than thirty seconds.

    Kathy Steinemann, Amber Hayward, A. L. Kaplan, and Donna Milward share their tales and fantasies in this book of drabbles, flash fiction, and short stories.

    Why would the government force an artist to paint portraits of despots or drug lords? Why would healthy people die for no obvious reason? Do you suppose that wishes could ever be dangerous? What’s a BioInterFace Fluxxatron? Do aliens watch reality shows? Why would someone pay double the usual rate to move a heavy trunk? Why is the mud from Sludge Flats so valuable?

    Discover the answers to these questions in this eclectic collection.

    For a limited time, readers can receive a discount on the print edition at CreateSpace, the company that produces books for Amazon. The reduced price of $9.99 USD is further reduced by $2.00 with the discount code below:

    DISCOUNT CODE: FPHUKVQB

    https://www.createspace.com/5572855

    And here are the other formats currently available.

    Digital Editions:

    Amazon.comAmazon.caAmazon.co.ukAmazon.deiTunesBarnes & NobleSmashwords

    Paperback Editions:

    Amazon.comAmazon.co.ukAmazon.deCreatespace