Tag: humor

  • TYPOS

    “Look at this mess, George. The grammar’s all wrong. You’ve spelled ‘there’ four different ways on the same page. Your punctuation is all over the place. The only job you’ll ever get with this kind of work is trash pick-up.”

    Those words stung when Mrs. Davies said them back in high school. They still did, but I turned them around. A dozen books, three on the best seller list, and two movies. Quite a bit better than a janitor. At least she got one thing right. I needed to get my act together. Right after graduation I poured my soul onto page. Now I had money to burn on Armani suits. And a special little gift for Mrs. Davies. I’d rub this cheap, error-filled sign right in her face.

    “Well if it isn’t George P. Urim,” said Mrs. Davies as I walked into her classroom. “I was hoping you’d visit one day.”

    “Uh, hi, Mrs. Davies,” I said. The smile plastered across her face was more disconcerting than the fact that she remembered my name after all this time. “I brought you something.”

    Her eyebrows shot up as she took the package and removed the extravagant wrapping. As soon as she read the sign she started chuckling. “I see you aren’t the only one with grammar issues. ‘The early worm get’s the bird,’ indeed. At least you made errors work to your advantage.”

    She motioned to her bookshelf. On it sat all twelve of my novels and ticket stubs from both movies.

  • PASTRY WARS

    “Pies of the world unite! For years we’ve been upstaged at every party. It’s time we take back our glory. We should be at the center of celebrations, not relegated to some back-shelf. By the time we’re done, those smug little cakes are going to lose their frosting.”

    “Can’t we all just get along? You know, play cards or something.”

    “This isn’t a game, Chess. It certainly wasn’t a game when Uncle Bing proposed a merger with that two timing Chocolate Cake. Poor Black Forest still doesn’t know who his true father is. Cake has betrayed us at every turn and I’m not going to stand for it any longer. Now who is with me?”

    “The Apple is in, dearie. And I’ve almost finished knitting our flag.”

    “Thanks, Grannie. It’s beautiful.”

    “You can count on us.”

    “Glad to hear, Rhubarb. And congratulations to you and your blushing bride, Peach. Aw, nuts. Pecan! Shoo Fly! Get these bugs out of here. This is a bakery not a dump. Custard and Cream, you two man the beaters.”

    “Will do.”

    “Cookie.”

    “Sir, yes sir.”

    “Oh for goodness sakes, stop sir sandwiching and grab that glass of milk.”

    “Sir, yes sir.”

    “Pumpkin, wipe that silly grin off your face. Has anyone seen Coconut?”

    “The wacko is hanging from the lamp again.”

    “No need to be so tart, Lemon. Coconut! Quit goofing around and get the rolling pin. Mince, hand out the knives. It’s time to crumb some cake.”

  • MATCHMAKERS

    “This one’s a sceptic,” said Yenta.

    Clarence looked at the man curled up on the hay in Pete Forrester’s barn. “He’s here isn’t he?”

    “But he doesn’t believe.”

    “Yenta, look at him. All alone in a dilapidated barn. The man’s desperate for love. He needs our help.”

    Yenta pulled a pair of glasses from her carpet bag and scrutinized the sleeping man. He wore faded jeans and a Frank Sinatra t-shirt. Gray hairs dotted his head and a pair of red cowboy boots sat on the floor next to him. “I don’t know, Clarence. This one might be beyond us.”

    “Think of it as a challenge. Just last week you complained this job was too easy.”

    “All right. No need to kvetch. Who are we going to pair him with?”

    “Merry is about the same age.”

    “She’s a cup half-full girl. He’s half-empty. They’ll never agree on anything.”

    “Olive?”

    “With his vinegary attitude?”

    “Helen?”

    “Too explosive. He’d get buried alive.”

    “Fine. Ginger.”

    “Be serious, Clarence.”

    “I am. Lord knows he needs some spice.”

    “I don’t know.”

    “Where’s your sense of adventure, Yenta?”

    “I left it at the shtetl.”

    “And then you found me.”

    “So you always remind me.”

    “Yenta.”

    “Okay. You work on him and I’ll go yell in Ginger’s ear.

    “I think you mean whisper.”

    “No, Ginger is a heavy sleeper. I’ll need to yell to get through to her subconscious.”

    “Well good luck, then.”

    Yenta rolled her eyes. “Ginger and Al, a match made in heaven.”